Silly Love Songs With A Twist
by Thorin the Smokinsheild
Summary: For my brother's birthday ;    In which Sirius tries to make Moony fall for him...in the oddest, most misguided way most likely ever...


If you were gay-AH!

Hola/aloha/gutentag(?) people of fanfiction. I had this song stuck in my head for literally a week, so I had to get it out. I also like this pairing. Purely fluffy. :)

Disclaimer-if I owned Harry Potter (or sesame street for that matter) I would be in Scotland. I am not in Scotland. *sniff tear*

*huuh* Remus sighed contentedly and flipped to the page where he left off.

"An afternoon alone with my new book: 'Famous Muggles of the 1950's.' no ruddy Dorm mates to bother me." he looked around the empty dorm room. He was sitting on his bed with his knees supporting a big book, propped up on a stack of pillows he had nicked from the other mates' beds. He took a piece of fudge out of the giant box from the last honeydukes raid and started munching happily. "how can it get any better than this?"

At that moment the door opened and in popped his friend Sirius. Looking around, he grinned.

"Oh, hi, Moony!" Remus ground his teeth together. So much for his afternoon ALONE.

"Hi, Padfoot." the dissheveled Gryffendor came and settled himself on the edge of Remus' bed, helping himself to a chocolate.

"hey, moony, you'll never guess what happened to me at breakfast this morning! This Hufflepuff was smiling at me, and talking to me, and being reeeaal friendly." he laughed a little. "I think he was coming onto me! I think he might have thought that I was gay!" Remus' hands tightened on his book and he cleared his throat nervously. Could he know? No way.

"So, Uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care." he then desperately tried to change the subject. "What'da have for lunch today?" he must have sounded strained, because Sirius put his hands up in front of him submissively with a smile.

"Woah, no need to get defensive-" But Remus cut him off sharply.

"IM NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE!" he shoved another piece of fudge in his mouth and said, close to panicking now, "Why do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I am trying to read!" and he flipped the page of his book for emphasis. Maybe fate would be kind FOR ONCE and Sirius would go away.

Fate was not known for being kind to Remus.

"I didn't mean anything by it, Moony, I just thought it was something we should be able to talk about!" and to make matters worse, he came next to Remus and slung an arm around his tense shoulder.

He said, very fast,

"Well, I do NOT want to talk about this, Sirius, this conversation is now over." Sirius frowned.

"yeah, but moony-"

"OVER!" Sirius just shrugged.

"well okay, but just so you know-" and he hopped off the bed and went to stand in the middle of the dorm room with a goofy smile on his face. Remus watched in nervous curiosity as Padfoot flicked his wand at his bed. Music; old timey, annoying music began playing, and Sirius began bouncing on the spot.

"If you were gay" Remus' eyes widened in horror.

"That'd be okay" Remus blushed bright red and snarled

"a SONG? Really?" Sirius ignored him and leapt up beside him on his bed to sling an arm around him, absently throwing the book across the room.

"I mean 'cause, hey!" he laughed at Remus' classic eye roll and gave him a noogie

"I like you anyway" Remus shoved him off the bed, but Sirius jumped right back up, and Remus groaned.

"Because you see-" he walked around to the other side of Remus' bed and leaned in, clinging to the bedpost with his fingertips

"if it were meeeeee-" he squeezed his eyes tight and put a hand on his heart, only to explode back and spread his arms wide

"I would feel free to say that I was gay! But I'm not gay." Remus swore inwardly, but crawled off his bed to grab his discarded book.

"Pads, please. I am trying to read." he was now desperately grasping at escapes from this awkward and touchy subject, so he brought the book in front of his face, unaware that it was upside down. A moment later, however, a hand shot under his and popped the book out of his hands. He sighed angrily. "what?" he was met by Sirius' grinning face. "If you were queer-" Remus growled

"ugh, Sirius" Sirius just ruffled his hair and sat down next to him as Remus reached for his book.

"I'd still be here" Remus spat quickly

"Padfoot, I am trying to read this book!" Sirius wrapped an arm around his shoulders and rocked from side to side

"year after year!" Remus closed his eyes and ground his teeth together, hissing

"Padfoot" but Sirius payed no heed to his growing discomfort.

"because your dear to me. And I know that you." he pulled Remus to face him. They were so close, their noses almost touched

"would accept me too!" Remus crinkled his eyebrows.

"I would?"

He jumped up and climbed up the furnace in the middle to spread his arms in mock excitement "If I told you today 'Hey! Guess what! I'm gay!' but I'm not gay." Remus groaned and buried his head in his hands as Sirius jumped down and started up a stupid jig in the middle of the dorm. "I'm happy just being with you!" Remus peeked through his fingers and stopped rocking back and forth. "So why should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?" Remus' eyes squeezed shut as his worst nightmare unfolded and wailed defeatedly

"OKAY THAT IS WRONG!" Sirius dragged him up off the bed while shouting

"NO IT'S NOT! If you were gaaay-" he started dancing around Remus, occasionally trying to make him join.

"I'd shout 'HOORAY!" Remus plugged his fingers in his ears and shouted over Sirius' racket

"I am not listening!" The music only got faster and so did Sirius' dance.

"And here I'd stay!" Remus closed his eyes and walked away, but only succeeding in running into a bedpost while screaming

"LALALALALA!" Sirius heaved him up and started dragging him into the dance by his hands

"BUT, I wouldn't get in your way." Remus screamed in anguish.

"You can count on me to always be!" Remus started chasing him around the dorm, beating him with his book to get him to shut up.

"Beside you every day to tell you it's okay! You were just born that way!" he dodged a blow to the head and smiled wryly "and as they say, it's in your DNA, You'r gay!" Remus threw the book and plugged his ears again. "I AM NOT GAY!" Sirius paused on his way out of the dorm to say mischievously "If you WERE gay." He just barely dodged James' bedside lamp that time as Remus screamed "AH!"

Sirius plopped down in the armchair next to where James and Peter were lounging.

"So, how'd it go?" asked Wormtail. Sirius paused for a minute, looking at the fire, before sighing,

"It was a soul-sucking failure that made me ashamed to be a Gryffendor." James winced. "Ouch. That bad?" Sirius nodded. A tut-tutting came from behind the stack of books on the desk in the corner.

"I TOLD you it wouldn't work." James turned in his seat. "All the 'but I'm not gay's' kind of give the wrong message, don't you think?" Sirius plopped his head in his hands and groaned.

"Lily, my sweet flower, if you have any better ideas, please come and share them. They would be very much appreciated." Called James. Lily snorted and didn't reply. James turned back to his disappointed group and turned to Sirius, who was trying to think up another brilliant idea to woo his beloved werewolf.

"Well, Padfoot, don't brood, for there's always tomorrow!" Sirius looked up and nodded heartily.

"I agree. We can brainstorm tonight. In the mean time, however," he leapt up and pulled his friends after him out the port hole "Let's go have fun"


End file.
